so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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