all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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