if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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