I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
