Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
