I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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