This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
this will be a night to untag.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Randomize
