true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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