Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
