i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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