I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
