operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
