Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
This is the high leading the old right now
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
