I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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