So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
