bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
