I'm laying in your front yard are you home
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
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