He uses pillows to masturbate.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Who died my cat blue again?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
