I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
