Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
