On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
