My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
