I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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