Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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