Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
