What did we do last night that was yellow?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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