I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
