I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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