omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
