I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
