I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
