I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
