There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
