I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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