tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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