Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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