If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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