I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize