now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
