This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Someone came in the potted fern
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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