Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
