My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
