did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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