Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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