I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
