Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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