Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
