Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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