that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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