Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
