I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
