PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
