Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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