Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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