On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
