i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
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