Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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