You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize