In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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