the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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