i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
