Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
